pommier asked: vicky, you're such a beautiful writer! I will be stalking this blog regularly, mark my words :) xox
i’m glad i have your support :)
I hate starting conversations. Most of the time I’m worried the other person just doesn’t want to talk to me. Other times I feel like I’m bothering them. And in conjunction, these thoughts always end up with me not talking to anyone.
Most of the time I’ll be fine, and I’ll go off and read a book or watch some online videos and laugh it off because it’s those moments that I know I need to be happy. But in the end my mind will always linger back to interacting with other people. And the inevitable feeling of loneliness will make its way back into my mind.
Personally I love conversations. I love the flow, the excitement, and feelings that I get from putting myself in their shoes. And for someone to appreciate my existence enough to allow me a snapshot of his or her life makes me feel incredibly special.
I always say that I’d just like to have someone that I can talk to after a long tiring day of work or saving the word, but I always hit this conversation starting barrier. So I never really have the chance to start a proper conversation. And by conversation I don’t mean meaningless chitchatter, I mean a nice conversation that leads to topic after topic to the point that I want to hear all their views on the matter.
I ran into a friend the other day in the middle of a random public toilet by chance, I know I had a moment of hesitation but I just sucked it up and called out her name. I hadn’t seen this beautiful girl for almost one whole year, and from the moment she realised it was me, to the moment I had to go to work, the conversation did not stop. The whole time we were hanging out, I wanted to hear about all of her travels around the world and yet she still wanted to me to talk about my average little life. This was a big deal to me.
Here she was, with an abundance of stories about exotic men, crazy parties and moments will all the girls she had taught, wanted to know how I was. How my life was going and how I felt about it all. She didn’t care about what I knew about all our other friends or whether there was a cool party happening soon so she could catch up with others, she wanted to hear about my day and my opinions on anything and everything.
Next time if I feel like I’ve hit a sad moment when I want to voice my thoughts, and I feel like no one is there to hear them, I’m going to slam that feeling like a dominant male seal during mating season.
Because having her care so genuinely gives me faith that there are others out there like her. There’s bound to be someone out there that will listen.
Let’s try this again.
While waiting for my train, I saw a mother put something in the nearby rubbish bin. Normally I would brush this off, but as soon as she did so, her little toddler (probably the age of 3 or 4) ran straight to the bin and tried to get it out. He was barely tall enough to see over the bin and was grasping his hands all around the rim to retrieve it.
At first I was quite disgusted at what this child was doing. The bin looked absolutely filthy. So when the mother questioned him with ‘angry eyebrows’, a part of me wanted to see what the boys reaction was. And without a pause, the boy answered:
“What if you need it later.”
This was the last reply I was expecting from a toddler. I feel as though many people observe children in a very dim light. Everything they do is just “cute” or “funny”. I usually think of them as miniature people that have empty little jars to fill with knowledge and experiences and have actions that are just their attempts at miming others. But that one moment completely shattered my basic perception of children.
Fair enough this little boy could be a child genius with an exceptionally high IQ, but who’s to say that other children don’t have these thoughts too? How could a toddler possibly have such foresight? I don’t even care what that mother threw away to go off onto this tangent, the fact that he had somehow managed to consider something as intangible as the future surprised me to no end.
Maybe this natural or nurtured mental defense mechanism has something to do with children having trouble parting with toys? I know I have friends’ siblings always yelling and screaming when they try to find their beloved Mr.Teddy or Ms.Buggles. And it generally ends with them breaking into tears when the item can’t be found. And even though it’s heart wrenching to see the sadness they express I’ve always been confused for why they always wanted that specific toy. Why couldn’t we just buy them a replacement and get it over with. Why that one toy.
I wanted some answers so I decided to ask one of my work colleague’s son about his feelings on new toys. It took him a whole afternoon to get comfortable enough with me to share his Mr Dondon. And when the moment felt right I asked him “Wow… Mr.Dondon is so lovely, can I have Mr.Dondon and I’ll buy you a new one?” And as soon as I asked him, all the effort of me befriending him went out the window. His face suddenly changed into a look of what his mother called his ‘Scrunchy face’. He repeatedly yelled NO and stormed away and refused to even play with me. [Even when I offered candy] (Of course, even though the baby lover within me was heart broken, a part of me was happy he knows not to take candy from strangers, because that is definitely what he thought of me).
The eventual answer I got from him involved him replying from underneath the protection of his magical blanket. The bottom line of our conversation was “I can’t live without Mr.Dondon. You can’t take him away!”
For a child this young to have a sense of foresight was mind-blowing. He didn’t want to part with Mr.Dondon purely because he liked the way it was now. He didn’t know what would happen without Mr.Dondon. In other words, he has a fear of the unknown. He treasures the things he as now to the extent that he refuses to play with the new toys his mother buys him.
This got me a little bit worried about my own life. If a child can have such a sense of foresight, then perhaps we’ve all retained such habits from when we were younger. I know I can’t remember my childhood but I’m pretty sure I’ve lived my whole life choosing the easy path, the paths I know are “safe”. And looking at the way I live life now, I feel as though I only do things that I’m comfortable with. I haven’t tried new things in so long that it makes me a little sad. No, worried.
Oh giant philosophical narwhal, ‘where am I going with life?’ Because it feels like I’m drifting towards the sanctum of monotony.
I know my life is repetitive; I go to school or to work and at the end of each day, I always end up home. This process has repeated for quite some time now. I think it’s about time I made some changes.
I want to do things that I can look back at and smile or laugh until it hurts. I want to live my life to the point where I’m tired from having so much fun. I don’t want to just be content. I demand euphoria!
I think… I’m going to pick up my hobbies again.
Thank you little boy. It’s about time I made an effort to change things.
tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
A beach filled with bioluminescent Dinoflagellates.
